Inventions, Intention and Surrender

I was asked to contemplate my intentions for beginning yet another year long advanced immersion. It was made clear that it wasn't a teacher training, that we should be taking the immersion for our own growth and practice and not planning to "learn it to teach it." Out of the 10 or so accepted into the immersion, over half (myself included) are actively teaching yoga classes. This has been my conundrum.

My personal journey in yoga began just over 11 years ago after the birth of my first child. It was then I truly 'opened to Grace' and realized that I will no longer (if I ever did) have control over my life. I began, very tentatively, to investigate yoga as a way to surrender to the Universal. I had never considered yoga as a way to get fit (at that time, I hadn't realized Madonna's commitment to it as a fitness regime.) I was searching for anything to help me cope with the unexpected challenges of single-motherhood.

Practice began VERY simply. One day a week (sometimes more, sometimes less) I attended classes at a house in a historic neighborhood of Spokane. The classes were taught by women. It was $8 to drop in. It was mostly about devotional chanting...I remember some asanas, but they don't stand out it my memory as much as the mantras we sang together. After a few months of classes, I researched the idea of visiting an Ashram with my baby daughter. It turned out to be infeasible. Although, they were very kind and welcoming in helping to come up with solutions to care for her while I was assisting on the grounds...it would be too complicated. So my journey took a detour. For awhile. It wasn't long before I found a practice FAR different than the one I had come into at first. Much more physical, it didn't have the demands of chant or meditation or study. Because of this, it was EASIER. Though, by then I had met my husband and had my second baby and I wasn't in the same place I was emotionally with my first. I looked to yoga for a different reason. Now it was ALL about the shoulders, baby. How many chatturangas can I do (how many is she gonna MAKE me do?) Turns out, just ENOUGH to wreck my right rotator cuff. Oops. Too many classes without enough instruction. I'd spent at least an active decade in the gym prior to finding yoga so I was strong...and I had a decent understanding of anatomy. But not in the context of yoga. Alas, time to move on.

While I was pregnant with my third baby, I reconnected with an old friend. Turns out she was a certified Anusara yoga teacher. Until then, I had never heard of Anusara. I invited her to present a workshop at one of the gyms that I worked at. Not enough people knew of Anusara at that time (at least in Spokane) so the workshop was canceled. But, I became curious. I began investigating locally for Anusara teachers. There were NONE in Spokane. Couer D'Alene had Karen, though! I went to the first class I could. I was hooked. Such a different energy than ANY other form I'd practiced (not that I'd practiced many...) Really embracing. We might have done one chatturanga. But, her knowledge of anatomy and the thought that went into her sequence was overwhelming! I'd never attended a class with a THEME. A theme that was woven seamlessly throughout the entire class and through most postures. It was lovely. I was in love!

Not too long after that first class, I became a devoted student of Karen's (and John Friend) and enrolled in the first year-long Anusara immersion. Life happened in the middle of that first one, so I had to postpone my studies. I re-enrolled the following Fall for the same immersion. Finished it nearly a year later. I can't believe how MUCH it changed my life. The changes weren't so obvious on the outside, and, in fact, probably the only person who noticed any difference was myself. As if I weren't already a thinker. Mostly, too much of a thinker. Anyway, I studied with John whenever I could (still do) and other Anusara teachers as they come through for workshops. Thus far, I've failed to admit the fact that I had been 'teaching' yoga classes throughout his entire time period. Even, owning and operating a studio for a time. Hosting a workshop or two. It had been an obstacle to my own learning and I soon reduced the amount of classes that I 'taught' and, even, sold my studio (for a multitude of reasons, not all related.) I was happy for the opportunity to settle more deeply in my own practice. Knowing that this would only benefit my teaching in the classes that remained. And it has. How could it not? But, I think I may have forgotten, for a time at least, how I was introduced to this path. I believe I began to doubt my intentions. As I am about to embark on a THIRD Immersion, I have been disecting my purpose and growth in yoga. What has been revealed is that I do not "learn it to teach it"...that teaching is, and has always been, a vehicle for my own understanding of the vast richness presented to me in study and practice. If the upcoming year should expose some weakness in my learning and teaching, I will, without question, quit teaching. I will not sacrifice my journey on the path of yoga in order to hold a captive audience. That is what a stage is for. And, in truth, if that is what I truly desired I would pursue a hobby in theater. Yoga mustn't be a 'hobby'...and it is MUCH more than a way to get/stay fit...I can only surmise that yoga is life. Not a life. Life. For me, thus far, yoga has not only made me more aware but has saturated every part of me. My life is MUCH more complex (certainly more complete) and not any less hard...and quite possibly...has become even MORE worrisome. Judith Lasater said it best, and said it true, "Yoga will ruin your life. Thank God." Yeah. Well. No kidding.