Inventions, Intention and Surrender

I was asked to contemplate my intentions for beginning yet another year long advanced immersion. It was made clear that it wasn't a teacher training, that we should be taking the immersion for our own growth and practice and not planning to "learn it to teach it." Out of the 10 or so accepted into the immersion, over half (myself included) are actively teaching yoga classes. This has been my conundrum.

My personal journey in yoga began just over 11 years ago after the birth of my first child. It was then I truly 'opened to Grace' and realized that I will no longer (if I ever did) have control over my life. I began, very tentatively, to investigate yoga as a way to surrender to the Universal. I had never considered yoga as a way to get fit (at that time, I hadn't realized Madonna's commitment to it as a fitness regime.) I was searching for anything to help me cope with the unexpected challenges of single-motherhood.

Practice began VERY simply. One day a week (sometimes more, sometimes less) I attended classes at a house in a historic neighborhood of Spokane. The classes were taught by women. It was $8 to drop in. It was mostly about devotional chanting...I remember some asanas, but they don't stand out it my memory as much as the mantras we sang together. After a few months of classes, I researched the idea of visiting an Ashram with my baby daughter. It turned out to be infeasible. Although, they were very kind and welcoming in helping to come up with solutions to care for her while I was assisting on the grounds...it would be too complicated. So my journey took a detour. For awhile. It wasn't long before I found a practice FAR different than the one I had come into at first. Much more physical, it didn't have the demands of chant or meditation or study. Because of this, it was EASIER. Though, by then I had met my husband and had my second baby and I wasn't in the same place I was emotionally with my first. I looked to yoga for a different reason. Now it was ALL about the shoulders, baby. How many chatturangas can I do (how many is she gonna MAKE me do?) Turns out, just ENOUGH to wreck my right rotator cuff. Oops. Too many classes without enough instruction. I'd spent at least an active decade in the gym prior to finding yoga so I was strong...and I had a decent understanding of anatomy. But not in the context of yoga. Alas, time to move on.

While I was pregnant with my third baby, I reconnected with an old friend. Turns out she was a certified Anusara yoga teacher. Until then, I had never heard of Anusara. I invited her to present a workshop at one of the gyms that I worked at. Not enough people knew of Anusara at that time (at least in Spokane) so the workshop was canceled. But, I became curious. I began investigating locally for Anusara teachers. There were NONE in Spokane. Couer D'Alene had Karen, though! I went to the first class I could. I was hooked. Such a different energy than ANY other form I'd practiced (not that I'd practiced many...) Really embracing. We might have done one chatturanga. But, her knowledge of anatomy and the thought that went into her sequence was overwhelming! I'd never attended a class with a THEME. A theme that was woven seamlessly throughout the entire class and through most postures. It was lovely. I was in love!

Not too long after that first class, I became a devoted student of Karen's (and John Friend) and enrolled in the first year-long Anusara immersion. Life happened in the middle of that first one, so I had to postpone my studies. I re-enrolled the following Fall for the same immersion. Finished it nearly a year later. I can't believe how MUCH it changed my life. The changes weren't so obvious on the outside, and, in fact, probably the only person who noticed any difference was myself. As if I weren't already a thinker. Mostly, too much of a thinker. Anyway, I studied with John whenever I could (still do) and other Anusara teachers as they come through for workshops. Thus far, I've failed to admit the fact that I had been 'teaching' yoga classes throughout his entire time period. Even, owning and operating a studio for a time. Hosting a workshop or two. It had been an obstacle to my own learning and I soon reduced the amount of classes that I 'taught' and, even, sold my studio (for a multitude of reasons, not all related.) I was happy for the opportunity to settle more deeply in my own practice. Knowing that this would only benefit my teaching in the classes that remained. And it has. How could it not? But, I think I may have forgotten, for a time at least, how I was introduced to this path. I believe I began to doubt my intentions. As I am about to embark on a THIRD Immersion, I have been disecting my purpose and growth in yoga. What has been revealed is that I do not "learn it to teach it"...that teaching is, and has always been, a vehicle for my own understanding of the vast richness presented to me in study and practice. If the upcoming year should expose some weakness in my learning and teaching, I will, without question, quit teaching. I will not sacrifice my journey on the path of yoga in order to hold a captive audience. That is what a stage is for. And, in truth, if that is what I truly desired I would pursue a hobby in theater. Yoga mustn't be a 'hobby'...and it is MUCH more than a way to get/stay fit...I can only surmise that yoga is life. Not a life. Life. For me, thus far, yoga has not only made me more aware but has saturated every part of me. My life is MUCH more complex (certainly more complete) and not any less hard...and quite possibly...has become even MORE worrisome. Judith Lasater said it best, and said it true, "Yoga will ruin your life. Thank God." Yeah. Well. No kidding.

Greening

Once upon a time, a woman lived. Well. Extremely well. At least in her eyes. She did her best to leave the world as, or better than, she found it. Knowing, as she lived this way, it was a lofty mission. Her teachers were exemplary in demonstrating right-living, and she referred to them often in times of confusion. And there were many. Confusing times. Quite often, it was more difficult making the most life-affirming choices. In fact, it was ALWAYS more difficult...at least, initially "difficult" held the definition. Then, it became excruciating. Because, all at once, the woman realized her attempts to live 'rightly' were feeble at best. All at once. The revelation descended upon her as the sudden inability to exhale. Anxiety overtook her. She understood nothing. Her former self-righteousness embarrassed her. Caring for her body had been limited to eating right, exercising and meditating (kinda)...she now realized that her "Body" consisted of much more than her flesh and bones but that it entailed the WHOLE of creation! She realized that every single thing she thought, said, or did affected EVERYTHING...EVERYWHERE...All the time. Her task of recycling...of being "Green" wasn't enough. Never had been. She didn't really know if she was capable of doing what she now understood was essential for the health of her "Body." The woman resolved to take baby steps. Continue with mindfulness, but expand it exponentially. She thanked her teachers for bringing the obvious to her attention, and made the commitment to try to live as well as possible...from here on...ad infinitum.

...to be continued.

माय Teachers

I am always thinking about my teachers...how grateful I am for them. I have more than I have ever had...despite dozens of years in school. Instructors aren't the same as teachers, and, well, that's what a lot of school was for me: Instruction. I have actually found that I NEED someone to help guide me on this path of right-living...maybe it's not the need itself, but the humility to recognize the need that has changed me. That's it. Humility. Finally realizing that I don't know everything...or anything, really. And that beautiful revelation isn't meant to be self-deprecating. It is more empowering than I ever imagined.

My kids...well...they're a spazzy bunch. And sassy...like their mom. They throw fits...like their mom (yep. I do.) They yell (yep.) They fight (actually, no...that I never did.) They over-dramatize EVERYTHING...(who me? no...never.) They are the greatest teachers...showing me the way. The RIGHT way. Their sweet innocence (despite the fallibilities of childhood)teaches me what I never knew, or perhaps, forgot. I've often said, "I thought I was a good person...'til I had kids." It's not really meant to be funny (though it is)...it's true for me. My kids have helped me to begin to let go of my "ego mind." Can't help it. Before I make ANY sort of plans, I have to consider what the repercussions will be for my kids. Takes the ego out of EVERYTHING.

On the other end is my yoga teachers. Y'all have heard me credit them...or mention them. I've had many (but not as many as some) and I credit them all for my place in the Universe right now. I've learned that the students sometimes (most of the time) eventually outgrow the teachers. It is the teachers responsibility to inform the student. After all, they are the teacher and sometimes students are so devoted so in love so dedicated...they can't see the forest through the trees. In my experience, it's a period of years...perhaps decades...before this can happen. It can be as painful as a divorce...but not as, typically, negative. The intention is to encourage the student to pursue another guide on this phase of the path...not to discredit or dis-empower the previous teacher. In more than one way, it is a form of love. To keep a student longer than necessary is ego mind. Believing that the teacher will ALWAYS supercede the student...rarely the case. Sometime the student may transcend the teacher. *GASP* No. Really. My teachers are ALL brilliant. More brilliant than I will EVER be. The credit is due their diligence and insurmountable tolerance in leading me. But, as the student grows...perhaps it's more about the WAY the student needs to be taught than the teachings themselves. It's all about presentation, people. I'm guilty of this scenario: Know the teacher well. Used to the method. Something new...but not in the presentation. *yawn*...nothing gets retained...because I've tuned out. Key point: It's NOT the teacher...it's ME. And that fact alone contributes to the necessity of change. Never would I blame the giver...but, me as the receiver.

Change is what life consists of. Really, what makes life interesting. For me, anyway. And, 12 years ago NO ONE could have convinced me that I'd be a mother...much less a mother to 4 kids. That would have been my ego. "Sorry...PhD is on the menu...not family."

Well, here I am. Thankful. In love. Completely blissed-out in the way my life has, thus far, unfolded. I can't WAIT for the next 40 years!

A Gift

As a write this, a little boy I know struggle for his life. Having read, "The Divine Matrix" I am inspired by the idea of emotive healing. So I did it. At 12:00 today, I paused for one minute and FELT Parker better. Healed. Pain-free. Happy. I know I'm not the only one. I want with all my soul for this to be true and for him to be completely disease-free.

Wow. This life is a roller-coaster. I know this. I always have. That's what keeps me interested in this mortal existence. At a deep level, I have always understood that life was meant to be both tragic and joyful. And, not always in balance. And, I've always understood (sometimes in different contexts due to plenty of research into various religions) that no matter what happens we continue to exist in the Universe long after our mortal lives have ended. It's become my intention to live without creating MORE suffering than is necessary in the world. As Parker fights his valiant battle against an extremely resilient opponent, I can only offer him the most pain free path I can emote. Visions of him smiling. Loving. Laughing.

This is the gift I must offer to everyone. So I do. Copiously. Jai jai jai.