Pause

The pause.

In classes, lately, the subject of pulling back...of holding center before reacting, has held court. Not coincidentally, I'm in the middle of a great book that was recommended to me and that I will recommend to you, called, "Radical Acceptance." (On a side, I will admit to being in the middle of several great books...which leads back to the theme of pausing and holding court.) This book, written by Tara Brach, is probably one of the most influential books on self-healing that I've read (trust me, I've read many...) due to my crazy tendency (oops, there's that degrading label...) of feeling less than adequate. Most of the time. Yep.

Self-deprecating, yet confident. It's a strange combination that is most likely rooted in my life as a 'survivor'...as opposed to 'victim'. My constant (yet endearing : ) gift of gab. Slowing. Pausing. Re-grouping. It has helped me, on occasion, to pull-back when my instinct tells me to plow forward...consequences be damned. What I have discovered during these times of silence (!) is the ability to identify where the reaction is coming from. Physically and emotionally. For instance, every time I have new students in class my belly does flip-flops and my heart-rate speeds up (third and fourth chakras)...I question my efficacy as a yoga teacher (who doesn't?) And that, of course, is rooted in my old feelings of inadequacy and "nerdiness." Having labeled (or at least targeted) my insecurity, that leads me to the soothing affirmation that no matter what they come away from class thinking, I've done my best.

Perhaps a more general example is that of parenting (gasp!) I feel I live a double life...or at least that of a split personality. My kids make me CRAZY. I'm pretty laid back as a parent...spent the last 10 years establishing only the most necessary of boundaries...which worked well for my very responsible 10 year old girl. But, my seven year old boy...well, let's just say he's a different case. And, I won't even mention my three year old...or my 16 year old stepson. Let's keep it to the 10 and seven year olds. While they are both brilliant (unbiased mother, of course) my son isn't motivated when it comes to school work (or any work for that matter)...but he's an amazingly social and popular kid at school (unlike his mother's elementary school years). He also has an affinity for 'fit-throwing'. Out of control, throwing his body on the floor, keening at the top of his lungs fits. Ew. I HATE those. The good news is, he only does it at home. Or, at least, only when his mother is around. Which may include trips to the grocery store. Lord! So...as his father and I try to assert boundaries that we didn't have to with his older sister, we are constantly hearing..."THAT ISN'T FAIR" ummm...yeah. "Well, buddy...life isn't fair." My point is, I've had to create completely different parenting tactics for all of my kids. My 10 year old is very responsible, but now she's getting this arrogant attitude...my latest response to her ego was, "Listen kid. You have NOT lived long enough to earn this attitude. Drop it now. Or, you will have no friends by the time you enter high school." Yeah...that's me. Perhaps a little too dramatic...but, instilling a little fear into my children seems to be a favorite past-time of mine (ahem! "Skookums"...a subject for another blog.)

My children. Ah. A humbling brood. I thought I was such a good person...until I had kids. I discovered my yelling voice...my trigger points...alcohol...my 'just go away and leave me alone' mood. But, only recently have I discovered a way to pause at the brink of implosion (or explosion depending on the circumstance) and to just breathe. In Brach's book, she calls it the "Sacred Pause"...oh yeah. It is holy. Transformative. Life-saving.

Get the book, if you haven't already (I've been known to be a little behind in pop culture...) devour it. If you are a Type-A, reactionary person (not unlike myself) it will save you.

All my love, gratitude and blessings, Kim.